And I Wouldn't Marry Me Either A Pathological People Pleaser
When John Munaley's special Baby J came out in April, a lot of people finally realized what I'd known since I saw him perform it live in 2021: John Mulaney is an asshole. Underneath the sharply tailored suits and charming stories about his Catholic childhood was a man who hated himself so much he nearly did enough cocaine to kill himself. Mulaney's nice guy persona was so ingrained that one of the "jokes" of Pete Holmes's loosely autobiographical HBO show about trying to make it as a stand-up, Crashing, was how every time Pete ran into Mulaney, he was a raging dickhead. When Mulaney went to rehab, got divorced, and announced a pregnancy with Olivia Munn, I wondered if his Crashing persona was the reality. But then I saw him perform the kernel of what would become Baby J in August 2021, and it was just too fucking funny to write him off. Sure, he's a jerk, but he's one of the tightest standup writers in the business. Sure, his jokes are now about doing coke off a bathroom baby changing table instead of canceled plans, but they still make me laugh harder than most comics on the market right now.
This special is risky because it blows up his entire persona, but as Mulaney says during it, "Likeability is a jail." This line stopped me in my tracks. It's not a particularly vulnerable special—all of stand-up is contrived after all—but this felt like a genuine moment of self-reflection and one I needed to have, too. I've never been someone who is above being liked. I bring baked goods to work to sow goodwill in the office. I did stand-up even! I wanted an audience to find me funny, but not enough to keep up the grind of it and the sheer anxiety it caused me all day leading up to a set. Turns out it's a lot harder to get your fellow comics to like you than an audience. But I see the appeal of it; it just wasn't worth its barriers for me. Just because I put down the mic didn't mean I got over the need to be liked. I know, of course, that not everyone will like you, but in practice I almost cannot stand it. If the cadence of communication with a friend changes, I assume they're mad at me. I apologize for ways I may have wronged or upset people even if I had no bad intentions but they could've been interpreted that way. I drop my plans to fit someone else's day or constraints.
I'm not applying for sainthood here. I don't think any of these things are actually good. Because they mean I say yes to a lot of stuff that actually doesn't serve me. And I'm really working on not doing that. This means saying no, rescheduling, being kind but not promising the moon or myself. This means setting a little thing called boundaries. Have you heard of those? It's a clear guideline on what behavior you'll tolerate in relationships, the limits and rules you set for your own mental health. It's self-care more than any skincare routine or yoga class can be. It's actually taking your own needs seriously enough to tell others what they are. It's not ignoring the problem or the text and hope it goes away; it's being direct. Insert mind-exploding emoji here. Even the definition of boundaries sounds harsh or rude to me because it means maybe disappointing people—not because I want to do coke off a changing table but because maybe I can't hang out that week because I have too many other plans. Maybe moving the meeting up cuts into when I would've eaten lunch. Maybe I just can't go because parties give me anxiety. Maybe the answer is just no without a because.
Setting boundaries when you're a people pleaser who normally only canceled plans when she was literally vomiting is terrifying. What if suddenly everyone hates you? What if they never invite you out again? What if you stop getting cool projects at work because you had to say no to one assignment? What if your editor never asks you to freelance again because you said no that one time? What if everyone hates you? (Repeated for emphasis.) Or what if...it's just fine and you reschedule. 95% of the time this is how I feel when people say no to me, except for the 5% of the time I am vindictive about it honestly. And if it's not fine, fuck them. But it's a lot easier to say than to believe it. As one of my favorite mentally ill TikTokers, spacemomsdaughter said, "The thing about me is I do not give a shit except I do like a lot, so you see there's a conflict." Because I say no and then still hope you really like me.
I imagine this is a lot of what it's like to be Taylor Swift. Despite her Reputation Era, all she does is "try, try, try." It's why she's been so intimate with fans, hosting listening parties, commenting on Tumblrs and TikToks (or probably having someone on her social media team do so), adding more Lana Del Rey to "Snow on the Beach." But it has consequences, from the eating disorder she talks about having on the Miss Americana documentary because of paparazzi photos of her to the latest shitshow with Matty Healy. For those who missed it, she was "dating" the British lead singer of the 1975, the natural dirtbag you date after ending a six-year relationship who clearly does too many drugs and thinks he's a philosopher, and people were REALLY not into it because of times Matty made racist comments. TikToks were made denouncing Taylor as a typical white woman who didn't value her marginalized fans. When they "broke up," people cheered. Regardless of how much of an asshole Matty is, it was extremely gross behavior for people who call themselves fans. Swifties are a toxic community. I am a big Taylor Swift fan and still drive around town belting Red like I did when I was 22, but I am not that type of Swiftie. Because that's the problem when your fans expect you to bend to their whims, you can't win. "I'm damned if I do give a damn what people say/No deal, the 1950s shit they want from me/I just wanna stay in that lavender haze," Taylor sings on "Lavender Haze." It's no accident she's gotten less intimate in her stage banter during the Eras tour shows and her recap Instagrams are vague now. Fans don't deserve the details because they'll weaponize it. No amount of connection will ever be enough.
And I'm not Taylor Swift—thank god, it sounds exhausting. But she's the problem of being a "pathological people pleaser" as she sings on "You're Losing Me" on a global scale. No matter how aware of your persona you are, like an "Anti-Hero," it's still impossible to live up to every demand put on you, every favor asked, every well-intentioned invite you just can't handle. This is what I remind myself when I'm too afraid to set boundaries. I can't please everyone so at least I need to please myself.
Quiche
![quiche quiche](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F8cd2da20-dfe0-42fd-b236-f8425ae217ac_640x480.jpeg)
This Molly J. Wilk quiche recipe is my go-to for meal trains or just a nice brinner. You can use any crust you want here, but don't skimp on the full-fat dairy. You need all that cream to get the rich, custardy texture, but maybe don't eat this for lunch daily unless you want to feel it (not that I speak from personal experience or anything). You can use any cheese, veggies, or meat in the filling, but I particularly love cheddar, shallots, and pancetta. If you do add veggies, though, sautee them first!
Ingredients
1 single pie crust recipe of your choosing
5 slices of bacon or a packet of pancetta
5 eggs
1 1/3 cup heavy cream
2/3 cup whole milk
1 cup shredded cheese (either or a mix of both)
Up to 1 tsp. of salt depending on how salty your bacon and cheese are, be conservative here (the one time I'll tell you to do that!)
2-3 shallots, chopped
Pepper, herbs to taste
1. Cook the bacon, then drain the fat, and set aside. Cook other veggies in same pan if using.
2. In a large bowl, whisk together the eggs, cream, milk, salt, and herbs.
3. Then stir in the grated cheese, reserving some to sprinkle on top.
4. Roll out the pie dough and place in pan. Note: this makes a lot of filling, either enough for one 10-inch pie or 2 8-inch pies.
5. Sprinkle the bacon and veggies on top of the crust.
6. Add the egg filling. Then sprinkle the reserved cheese on top.
7. Bake at 375F/180C for 45 minutes to 1 hour until the whole top of the quiche is nicely golden brown. You'll know it's done if it's set at the edges but has a slightly jiggle in the center. I usually start checking at 30 minutes.
Tess Recommends:
-I've been really enjoying Apple's Platonic, a show that takes advantage of Seth Rogen and Rose Byrne's great not-romantic chemistry. It's about two 40-something friends getting back in touch after Rogen's divorce and Byrne's attempts to re-enter the workforce—and dealing with the fact they are not 25 anymore but still act like it. They're both terrible people who drink too much, but it's a fun, ridiculous time.